The Elevator Conundrum
by gwendy
Summary: The elevator's finally working and Penny and Sheldon managed to get a test ride...until things get a little interesting...
1. Chapter 1

Title: "The Elevator Conundrum"  
Author: g_girl143 / gwendy Rating: PG Chapters: 1 / 4 Summary: The elevator's finally working and Penny and Sheldon managed to get a test ride until things get a little more interesting.  
Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the series A/N: Just some good ol fun! I would've written this general...save for a few scenes *wink wink* But it's all good wholesome fun...or at least it tries to be haha! Enjoy!  
I don't know. Lately, I've just been thinking of possible Sheldon/Penny episodes for season 3...

CHAPTER 1

Sheldon stepped inside the apartment building, groceries in tow. It was just a typical evening. The sun had set at exactly 5:53PM, a tolerable six minutes off the prediction by the Weather Channel, but to the dot of his own personal well-calculated forecast. A shift in temperature, wind speed and humidity told him it would be a warm night tonight, but other than that, there were no incidents worth noting. No break in his routine. No irregular bowel movements or bodily discomfort, except maybe for his forecasted warm weather in approximately two hours and twenty-seven minutes. He'd have to remember to turn on his air conditioner.

The indoor plants at the ground floor stood where they should be, still alive and green despite the lack of care from the rarely-seen landlord, and Penny, still in her Cheesecake Factory uniform, was rummaging through her mailbox. Upstairs, Leonard would be waiting with the rest of Penny's mail after once again pretending error on the part of the postman so he could have an excuse to converse with their blond neighbor at a later time.

Yup, just another typical evening for Sheldon Cooper. And any minute now, Penny would be turning around to greet him and engage him in petty, mediocre talk.

Except something was wrong.

He looked around. The stairs, though not spotless, were as clean as they had been since the day he moved in. The fluorescent lights were all lit. None of them broken, or he would've noticed and fixed it himself like he had done months before.

Nothing was out of the ordinary, or rather, nothing was supposed to be. But there was. He knew there was, but for some reason, couldn't pinpoint the source of this change.

"Oh, hey Sheldon," Penny greeted. Sheldon barely noticed her. He was still thinking, squinting but looking at nothing in particular.

Something was so wrong.

"Sheldon, honey, are you okay?"

He felt a hand on his arm and he jumped back, sputtering Chinese words before realizing he had just said he had a monkey in his pants.

He composed himself and held his head high. Penny didn't know Chinese so he was safe. "Yes, Penny? You were inquiring about something?"

Penny's brows knitted with her smile: a sign of amusement or confusion, though he didn't know what she would find funny unless she understood Chinese. "Yeah. I was asking if you were okay. You were spaced out."

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean by 'spaced out'. Are you trying to say I am in outer space or I am out of my space? Because the first one would be just preposterous while the second is incorrect. I am within my personal space and so are you." Sheldon stepped away, and groceries still in tow, he headed for the stairs.

"Sheldon, the elevator's fixed."

Sheldon stopped before he could reach the first step. That's when he noticed the absence of the yellow CAUTION! tapes on the elevator doors, and all he could manage was "Oh."

Penny walked up to him. "Wanna go try it?"

"But that's not the stairs," he protested, suddenly finding the need to hug his groceries to him. This was a break in his routine and he needed to brace himself. This was a small break, sure, but with the way past minute changes in his life went, this was going to get bigger and bigger. "We always take the stairs."

"You're such a baby." Penny rolled her eyes and before he could protest, grabbed him towards the elevator.

"Penny! You are wrinkling my jacket."

"Oh, Moonpie. Three months in Antarctica hasn't gotten to you at all, has it?"

"Don't call me Moonpie," Sheldon seethed. "No one calls me Moonpie but Meemaw. I thought I already told you that but I suppose three months is ample time for mediocre minds to forget. And it was the Arctic, not Antarctica. Antarctica is to the south whereas the Arctic is to the north. There is a clear difference between the two and--"

A slight jolt made Sheldon press his back to the wall, his groceries still clutched to his chest. To his horror, he saw the elevator door had closed.

"NO!" He threw himself at the door and pawed at it, but another jolt sent him pressing against the wall again.

The elevator was moving.

"Sheldon, honey, you just need to relax, okay?" Penny said, patting him on the shoulder. For a moment, he had even forgotten that she was there.

"Relax?" He turned wide eyes at her. Had she lost her mind? "How can I relax? How can you? We are trapped in a moving death box--"

"Sheldon, we're not trapped--"

"The acceleration of which this contraption is moving after years of malfunction is not beneficial to--"

"Sheldon, shush. Look, we're going up to the third floor now--"

"The rust, rust," Sheldon looked from side to side, his head swimming in calculations and observations: sweat proliferating on his skin pores, increasing number of heartbeats per second, constricted breathing, nausea, and an unfortunate desire to regurgitate. "The metals have been effused with iron oxide. Can't you hear them grinding upon each other? I'd calculate the number of decibels--"

"Shut up Sheldon," Penny roared, and that quieted him down, but it didn't stop his lips from quivering. Didn't stop his eye from twitching.

One jolt sent his stomach pitching, and the rest of his body to fall to the floor. 


	2. Chapter 2

Title: "The Elevator Conundrum"  
Author: g_girl143 / gwendy Rating: PG Chapters: 2 / 4 Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the series

CHAPTER 2

It was pitch dark, but light was slowly coming in from the end of a tunnel. He could feel constant pressure on his chest, forcing air up while air was being forced into his open mouth.

Air. Mouth. Pressure. Chest. Mouth. Air. Mouth.

"Wake up and breathe, dammit."

A shadow over him, and he squinted until he finally saw golden locks falling onto his face and felt the slender nose bump against his.

And felt her mouth.

Air. Mouth. Lips.

Germs.

Sheldon screeched and sat up, flapping about until he had his back pressed to the wall again. Penny was holding a hand to her chest.

"Geez, Sheldon. You almost gave me a heart attack."

"You kissed me," Sheldon shrieked. "You kissed me! You subjected my lips to bacterial violation. Do you even realize how many germs reside within the human mouth?"

"Sheldon--"

Sheldon dove for his groceries. He had to get to the mouthwash. He'd bought one. He knew he did. But why wasn't it here?

The bottle of mouthwash suddenly appeared in front of his face, Penny's fingers around it.

He grabbed the bottle, took in about three caps full and gargled.

Penny sighed. "If it makes you feel any better, I used it before I did mouth to mouth on you."

Sheldon spat the mouthwash in an amazing spray of green liquid and bubbles before turning to look at Penny as though she had just sprouted a second head. "You used my mouth wash? Why don't you just use my toothbrush too and be done with it?"

Penny crossed her arms, her brows in a 'V' shape. "Would you rather I did mouth-to-mouth on you without mouthwash?"

"It's basically the same concept," Sheldon fired. "Your lips touched the rim of the bottle. I wouldn't have been less protected from your bacteria."

"Mouthwash kills 99% of mouth germs, Sheldon."

"That's what the companies want you to think. There are a number of germs that cannot be killed by mouthwash alone. Why do you think the bottles never say 100%?"

"So would you rather I have left you to asphyxiate and die?"

"That would've been a more merciful death than lingering with illness for months on end before finally succumbing to multiple organ failure."

Penny gave him the death glare, and he managed to glare back with the same intensity. If he was going to die anyway, he would die winning against Penny in every endeavor, especially glaring contests.

Then, Penny's expression changed, and he cringed. He'd seen that look before--the one she usually had whenever she had something clever to say against him. "Sweetie...that was your first kiss wasn't it?"

Sheldon felt an unpleasant wave in the stomach, followed by heart palpitations. Prickly sensations ran up to his face until he felt his skin grow hot. Oh dear Lord, he thought. He was starting to have symptoms.

"That was not a kiss," he refuted. "You said so yourself it was mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and you did so to bring me back from unconsciousness."

Penny giggled. "You said it was a kiss."

"I said no such thing." He wasn't able to ward off the tics.

"Fine, it wasn't a kiss." Penny waved off a hand. Then, she grinned again. "So...was that your first mouth-to-mouth?"

"It was my first time to suffer unconsciousness due to asphyxia." Sheldon deadpanned and stood up to his full height. He gathered his groceries and made sure everything was in place. He stared at the bottle of mouthwash in his hand before looking pointedly at Penny. "As it is, I shall have no choice but to discard this corrupted bottle. And since it is your fault, you will have to drive me back to the grocery store. Now kindly open the elevator doors so we may continue on with our lives."

"I can't, Sheldon."

"Why ever not?"

"Because the elevator's jammed. We're trapped."

Sheldon fainted for the second time that day. 


	3. Chapter 3

Title: "The Elevator Conundrum"  
Author: g_girl143 / gwendy Rating: PG Chapters: 3 / 4 Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or the series A/N: Okay, chapter 3 is done. I'll be reworking chapter 4 later. In the meantime, my thanks to gemsile123 for the beta ^_^ And guys, since as I mentioned, I wanted this to be an episode in season 3, there is a TON of DIALOGUE.

CHAPTER 3

"Sheldon, stop being a baby and take your shirt off."

"And permit my skin to be subjected to infection from this brutal death room which has been neglected for an indeterminable amount of time? As today s youth would say, 'No way, Jose'," Sheldon growled, pulling the lapel of his shirt back and forth to fan himself. It was getting warm. His pores were producing sweat at an alarming rate and he knew he was beginning to feel the effects of dehydration. He knew Penny was too, and it was all he could do to make her suffer by not sharing his three bottles of Evian with her.

"It's not like I haven't seen your chest," Penny said from where she sat on the opposite side of the elevator. "You even had me put Vapo Rub on it, remember?"

"Were you not even listening to me earlier? Because if that is the case, I will inconvenience you by not repeating my explanation."

"Thank goodness for that."

Sheldon managed to hold back the urge to ask her if that was sarcasm. "You know, Penny, I'm having difficulty processing how you could be so calm in a distressing situation you yourself brought upon us. First, you had us trapped. Second, not only did you have your mouth on mine, but you actually breathed your bacteria-laced CO2 into my windpipe. Third, you did it again when I could not have made it any clearer I do not wish to repeat the experience. Fourth, you failed to re-charge your cell phone, cutting short your call for help to Leonard and leaving us with no other alternative communication with the outside world."

Penny smirked. Sheldon had been seeing that a lot on her face as of late. "Fifth, you, Sheldon, forgot to bring your cell phone. I mean, how could someone with your IQ forget something so important?"

"I had better things to think about than conversing incessantly with mediocre minds," Sheldon spat, and turned his head away.  
Whatever, you still forgot it. Penny made a sound, which made Sheldon think of lizards. Then, a soft 'hmm.'

Sheldon stopped fanning himself and raised an eyebrow towards her. What was she up to now? "What exactly are you trying to insinuate by 'hmm'?"

Penny shrugged. "I thought it was just interesting, that's all."

"What is?"

She grinned that devilishly infuriating grin of hers. "Interesting...for someone who's supposed to be a robot, you sure have soft, warm and kissable lips."

Sheldon felt his face scrunch up. He tried to come up with a reply, but nothing computed. No stored information in the hard drive that was his brain, so he said, "I do not!"

Penny laughed. For some reason, it made Sheldon's shoulders grow slack. He made a mental note of his symptoms. Penny was definitely a carrier of some type of virus. "And how would you know that, Sheldon? You can't very well kiss yourself on the lips...and I know I'm the first one to ever kiss you."

"Mom and Missy kissed me before."

"On the lips?"

"Well...no...but--"

"Then, I'm your first kiss," she declared, obviously proud of herself. It infuriated Sheldon to no end.

Unfortunately, he could not formulate a good enough retaliation, except: "It was not a kiss, and you know it."

"Would you want it to be though?"

Sheldon took a moment to process what Penny had just said, and correlated what he had heard to what he was seeing: there was that smirk again, that look in her eye. Then, something clicked.

"If I'm calculating correctly, Penny, you are actually engaging in a flirtatious activity with me."

"Took you that long to figure out?" Penny laughed, and again, Sheldon experienced the slackening of his shoulders, but this time, coupled with dryness in his throat.

He grabbed an Evian and took five gulps.

"Aw, Sheldon, honey, I was just teasing you."

"You know very well how I loathe being teased," Sheldon muttered as he twisted the cap back on the bottle with precise strokes. Penny only shrugged.

"I know. Which makes it all the more fun to tease you, Moonpie."

"How many times must I tell you not to call me that?" Sheldon fumed. His voice was going up in pitch, and the air was growing more stifling by the minute. "Regardless, you should not be flirting with me. You already have Leonard."

Sheldon waited for Penny to retaliate, but when he heard nothing, he turned, and saw her face scrunched up.

What was that expression? Anger? Constipation? Dear Lord, they didn't even have a bathroom! Perhaps he shouldn't have drunk too much water...

"Why does everyone think I'm with Leonard?" Penny suddenly shouted, almost making him wet himself in surprise.

After composing himself (and regaining control of his bladder), he answered. "Well, he seems to have established that you're his. You should hear him carry on when you bring over man after man in your apartment. It's humiliating to see someone who s supposed to have at least half of my IQ subject himself to such fickle emotion as jealousy."

"Oh, I'm Leonard's?" Penny crossed her arms. Anger, Sheldon was sure of it now. "Sheldon, don't you think I have a say as to who I like and who owns me?"

"Why? Don't you like Leonard?"

"It's not that...it's...urgh!" She made a gesture, as though to pull her hair out from her scalp. Why would she want to do that? "I don't even know why I'm talking to you about this."

Sheldon frowned. "Your inattentiveness astounds me. But if you would like to be given a chronology of the events which led to this topic, I can very well note it all started with your insisting you had kissed me whereas you had not. Then you proceeded to tease--"

Penny interrupted him before he could finish. "It's not as though I don't like Leonard. I do but...there's something missing."

"I don't seem to find anything amiss in your relationship with Leonard. He's very fond of you, and you were even fond enough of him to knit that god awful blanket with sleeves which he sleeps with every night while the rest of us got nothing."

Again, Sheldon received no reply. It wasn't until he saw Penny's wide eyes that he realized he had said something wrong.

For the life of him, he couldn't figure out what. He'd just told the truth, hadn't he?

"Oh, Sheldon honey, I'm sorry..."

"Sorry? For what?"

"You're right. I didn't give you anything when you went to Antarctica--"

"The Arctic. How many times must I reiterate that?"

"Fine, the Arctic." Penny waved a hand, and Sheldon took note of how quickly she reverted from an annoyed expression to what looked like...guilt? "I suppose I was feeling guilty for last year's Christmas." Confirmation. He was getting good at this. "My Christmas gift for Leonard was a joke while I gave you that Nimoy napkin. I didn't realize how big of a deal it would be. And when I did, I didn't think anything could top it as a gift unless I gift-wrapped Nimoy himself and gave him to you."

"Interesting thought, but then you would be liable for a lawsuit," Sheldon quipped, and Penny laughed again. Sheldon realized it didn't sound so bad. In fact, he kind of liked it.

Now he was starting to get delirious. Another symptom.

"I'm serious Sheldon. I'm sorry."

"There's no need for apologies." Sheldon found himself calming down. Maybe it was the memories of December 25, 2008. "I'll agree with you that nothing could come close to Leonard Nimoy's signature and DNA on that napkin. In fact, I took it with me to the Arctic."

"Really?" Penny sounded surprised. And pleased? Sheldon wasn't so sure. He'd have to study her for a few more minutes if he was to decipher the emotion behind her tone of voice.

"I put it in a glass frame, to preserve the DNA. I still haven't found a healthy enough ovum--"

"I'm still not giving you my ovum, Sheldon." Penny smirked, and Sheldon found himself staring at the bead of sweat running down her cheek. "If I were to give it to you, it'd be for another reason."

"What reason would that be?" Sheldon blinked. Since when did a sweat drop...Penny's sweat drop...fascinate him? It must be the heat. Or another symptom. He submitted another mental entry.

Penny rolled her eyes. "Boy. For a guy who's supposed to have an IQ of 187, you sure are slow."

Sheldon glared at Penny. "How can I even decipher what you're saying when you speak in cryptic codes and string me along with an endless diatribe of senseless words? We speak of ova and you answer by questioning my intelligence."

Penny cocked a brow. "I think I've made my point."

"No, you didn't."

"Try figuring it out, genius."

"Huh," Sheldon breathed and tried to think. He shifted to one side and began writing diagrams in the air about their conversation. He heard Penny mutter 'whack-a-doodle', but he was too busy finding out exactly what Penny meant about giving him an ovum for another reason. As far as his calculations went, the fact he couldn't figure out the reason on his own was why Penny doubted his IQ.

He delved deeper and deeper into his calculations, tracing lines, writing, and erasing until he forgot he was locked up in an elevator with an increasingly annoying neighbor, and with an increasingly sweltering atmosphere. He barely even noticed the sweat dropping down his chin and onto the elevator floor.

It was the rustle of clothes that ultimately disrupted him from his thoughts, and his imaginary whiteboard disappeared from view. He gritted his teeth and turned to Penny, but the tirade of reprimands died before it could escape his lips.

"Oh, Good Lord!" Sheldon quickly turned away. Penny had just taken off her Cheesecake Factory blouse and was now sporting a shiny pink bra. The tiny VS logo in the middle told him it was Victoria Secret, and he began cursing his sharp eyesight, his keen attention to detail, his photographic memory, and most of all, Wolowitz for bringing and sharing those filthy magazines while in the Arctic. "Penny, I would strongly suggest you conceal yourself."

"Why, Moonpie? This making you uncomfortable?" She was using that annoying little voice again. The one she used when she asked him about being locked out of his 'big ice thingy'. The one that sent his heart racing and his blood boiling...for reasons that were strangely both pleasant and unpleasant.

The list of symptoms was growing exponentially. Penny definitely had a virus of some sort. Could that explain her strange behavior tonight? Good God, is he going to be acting that way in the next few hours?

He put a hand against his face. His eyes were becoming magnetized to the shiny material covering Penny's breasts. He blamed it on the brightness of the sheen against the drabness of the elevator walls...or the virus.

"What's wrong, Moonpie?" Argh! She s still using that voice! "Scared of getting cooties?"

"Cooties are but a figment of childish imagination." Sheldon looked at anywhere in the elevator but Penny, even though the hand at the side of his face was more than enough to stop his eyes from wandering towards her. He picked out an item from his vast array of stock knowledge and began to narrate. He had to talk. He had to concentrate on something else, the drone of his voice, anything to stop him from looking. "The term 'cooties' was believed to have been taken from an East Asian word 'kuto', which means head lice, during World War II. Ergo, you cannot get cooties by being near a girl, looking at a girl, kissing a girl, unless we are talking about body lice--"

"If that's the case, then why aren't you looking at me?" Penny asked. She'd changed her tone, but it was her question now that unnerved Sheldon. "Ergo, you're scared. If not of cooties, then of me."

"I am not!" And this time, Sheldon did look, and willed himself to continue looking despite how his skin felt as though it was on fire. Great, he thought, now he was getting a fever.

Still, he managed to keep his eyes away from the shiny material on Penny's chest. "I-I'll have you know, Penny that...that I'm a homo novus."

"A homo...novice? What?"

"A homo novus," he repeated hotly. "I belong to a different and far more evolved species of homo sapiens, which explains my high IQ and my inability to be beguiled by the wiles of feminine homo sapien curves."

"Ah...so homo novus is another term for homosexual."

What in Newton...did she actually think he was... "No! You are completely twisting my words and misconstruing it into a meaning plausible to your less than elementary intellect! Homo novus does not mean homosexual. It simply means I'm evolved to the point that I'm able to suppress, if not absolutely ignore the existence of my libido, thus allowing me to concentrate on the more important things in the universe."

Penny crossed her arms, and darn, if it didn t make her cleavage more prominent. "Numb to libido, huh? Okay, prove it then, Mr. Homo Novus. Stare at my bra for five whole seconds without going all Lyme disease on your face. Countdown starts now."

He tried his best. Oh, he did try, but the tics would not go away, and Penny ended up laughing when he turned to sulk in his corner. 'Homo novus my ass', he heard her say, and it angered him that he could not even throw a death glare at her.

"Sheldon, honey, you really ought to take your shirt off. You're sweating bullets."

"Penny, we've already been through this. I'm not going to have my body subjected to the filth of this room. Lord knows I've already been infected enough." He started to lick his lips but remembered what Penny had done, and once more, he mourned the loss of his mouthwash. Once they get out of this death box, he'd make sure to come up with an apt retaliation to Penny's misdeeds. Perhaps he'll try to have her play Panty Pinata again...

She whistled. He snapped his head towards her in anger but the sheen of her bra made him look away again. "So you're scared of the bacteria in the air...and on the floor, right?"

Sheldon let out a derisive snort. "Why people cannot care to protect themselves from germs is beyond me."

"You might as well live in a bubble," Penny muttered.

"I would have, if not for the obstacle it would be to my routine." Sheldon shifted until he had fully presented Penny with his back. It was weird talking to a wall, but better this than talking to Penny's breasts...wait, what in Newton was wrong with his train of thought?

He needed to talk. He'd just have to talk his way back into focus. "I've been trying to come up with a formula to create an outer layer of film, like a transparent exoskeleton if you will, or an invisible shield or external immune system that will fit my body like a second skin. That way, I'll still be able to do the things I need to do, and any foreign object thrown at me would just slide off and never come in contact with my body."

"You're saying you want to laminate yourself?"

"That seems like an applicable term. The Cooper Laminated Skin. That has a ring to it."

"A ring? Of all the sill..." Sheldon heard her sigh, and could almost imagine her shaking her head. "Sheldon...bacteria is everywhere right? The Air...and on solid matter or surfaces?"

Sheldon was suddenly intrigued that Penny was using scientific terms, never mind that any grade-schooler knew what air and solid was. "Why yes, Penny. Bacteria are organisms that unfortunately coexist with us, be they beneficial or malevolent. They are, however, the first life forms to inhabit the planet and thus--"

"But wouldn't you say bacteria thrive best in liquid?"

"That is correct, Penny." Sheldon was impressed. "I see you may not be as lacking in intellect as you look."

"I'm gonna let that pass, Dr. Whack-a-doodle." He heard something shift, and when Penny spoke again, he realized she had just moved closer. "If bacteria do thrive best in liquid, don't you think, soaking in your sweat in that shirt and sweater, and with these hot temperatures, you're practically a talking breeding ground for bacteria right about now?"

Sheldon froze. One turn of a cogwheel in his thought process, and his clothes, save for his pants, were on the floor. He didn't even hear Penny's laughter as he took hand sanitizer from his groceries and lathered it on his torso until the bottle was empty. 


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Thank you so much guys for the nummy yummy reviews! I was particularly shocked that an L/P fan actually read this and liked it (though was still vocal about sticking to the other side) but I was still glad the fic had that effect. The third chapter, I believe was definitely the funny one, but for now, I think we need to downplay the comedy a little for Chapter 4 and add in all the sweet S/P goodness we practically live on ;) There's still a ton of dialogue though. Here's still to wishing this would become an episode for Season 3! I hope you enjoy it. And now, without further ado, the final chapter of the Elevator Conundrum!

Eleven Fifteen PM.

Sheldon was still locked with Penny in the elevator. The temperatures had barely gone down, but with his shirt off, his body had adjusted well enough for the current conditions to be tolerable, to say the least.

Unfortunately, that was about the only good thing. He could fill an entire computer hard drive with logs containing the inconvenience and misfortunes he has had to deal with in the last few hours, not the least of which was being trapped with Penny. Scratch that, trapped HALF-NAKED with Penny.

Shouting for help or banging on the walls, they had found out earlier, didn't work. They got no response from the other tenants and with a few calculations, Sheldon had deduced the elevator was actually jammed half-way between the third and fourth floor. That could provide a sufficient explanation as to why no one could hear them. Leonard's tardiness, however, was completely inexplicable and inexcusable. Despite the brevity of Penny's phone call, Leonard should've gotten the message and found a way to get them out hours ago. Sheldon put a mental note to give him a strike for this.

One growl, and Sheldon's jaw tightened. He hadn't had dinner. Neither he nor Penny had any food with them, and earlier, Penny had forced him into giving her an Evian, lest she 'Prance in front of him butt-naked because it's so freakin' hot, I need to cool down. Or do you want me to burn you, Sheldon?' He'd responded by pointing out the debated phenomena of internal human combustion and the possible conditions which could lead to such an occurrence. He had been droning on about the subject when Penny began to unzip her skirt.

He had practically thrown the bottle at her, but she had been a good catch. She used to play baseball with her dad, she had said, but in Sheldon's mind, all he heard was Strike, Strike, Strike!

Sheldon continued to crouch in his corner, careful not to let his back touch the walls. Not after he had exhausted his entire bottle of hand sanitizer just to rid himself of germs. He pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them, his eyes shooting sparks at Penny's serene face. How she could lie down on the filth of this floor and sleep in these hellish temperatures was an enigma. Sure, she's using her blouse and sweater as a sleeping mat, but that wasn't even sufficient protection. The fact she could subject herself to this deteriorating condition proved just how much of a slob she was.

Or how well she could adapt to any situation. Any variable, intolerable as it may be.

She was even able to adapt to his ways the way Leonard, Howard and Raj never could, and had integrated herself into his routine. So much so, his time in the arctic hadn't been as productive as he had wanted it to be. Not with the constant nagging of her absence...

'Dr. Sheldon Cooper, stop with this senselessness right now and gather your bearings,' he thought, slapping himself on both cheeks. 'You must not give in to this illness. It's delirium that is bringing this upon you. You should not give into the temptation of--

"Temptation of what?"

Sheldon felt himself go from warm to cold. When he turned, he saw Penny sitting up, her eyes, though still lidded with slumber, slowly coming awake. "What temptation are you talking about, Dr. Sheldon Cooper?"

Good Lord, had he thought out loud?

Sheldon's lips twisted. He hated lying. Honesty was practically tattooed on his tongue, but he had to try. "The...uhm...temptation of...the temptation of sleeping with you."

Penny's jaw dropped. It took a moment for Sheldon to realize he had dropped his as well.

"You are tempted to sleep with me?"

"No! What I meant was...the temptation to sleep with you on the floor. No, not to sleep with you but to sleep together with you..." Sheldon stopped with his hand explanatory hand gestures when Penny only stared. He swallowed. "That still didn't come out right, did it?"

Penny tightened her lips and shook her head. Sheldon, realizing his eyes had once again drifted to the tiny VS logo, turned away with a hand on his face. Strangely though, with Penny out of his line of sight, his tongue and lips begin to relax and adapt to a fabrication. Anyway, it was the truth, albeit not entirely.

"What I meant to say, Penny, was that I am very much tempted to sleep on the floor, as you have been doing prior to my apparent vocalization of thought processes waking you up. It is one hour and seven minutes past my bedtime. I am losing precious hours of undisturbed circadian rhythm, my eyelids are subjecting themselves to gravity, and the lack of energy resources, aka food, as well as the late hour is slowly taking its toll on the internal workings of my system."

"Wait...what?"

"I am sleepy and I cannot sleep on a filthy floor without any conceivable lumbar support needed for a sufficient REM cycle," Sheldon shot out in a breath, holding back the urge to glare at Penny for having to let him explain again.

"Well...I heard 'can't sleep' and 'support'." He heard Penny blow a breath. Probably blowing a rebellious golden strand away from her smooth face...wait. Where'd that come from? "Sheldon, honey, are you saying you can't sleep without a pillow or a mattress?"

"A pillow AND a mattress. One cannot be without the other. Certainly a mattress will provide sufficient support for you body, but the head would need to be elevated at an angle..." His shoulders suddenly went slack. And he hadn't even been looking at Penny. "Oh...I'm too tired to do this..."

There was a moment of silence, but it was lost to Sheldon. He couldn't think clearly. He wanted to sleep, but it was as though his body and the floor had the same magnetic polarity. They'd repel. It was just too unsanitary and even if he did manage to do as Penny had done, he'd never be able to sleep knowing every second, the germs were clinging to his skin and splitting into millions of devilish little legions until they decided to kill the host...

He felt something pulled out from beneath him, and when he saw he was sitting on the floor and not his jacket, he jumped up with a shriek.

"Relax, Sheldon," Penny muttered, and that's when he saw she had taken his jacket and set it beside her. She smiled and patted it. Smiled, not grinned or smirked. It was a tired smile, but for some reason, Sheldon felt his heart jump, if that were even biologically possible. "I know this isn't your idea of a mattress, but at least your jacket and shirts will keep your delicate skin away from those mean old germs on the floor."

Sheldon jaw clenched as he glared, although not at Penny. He glared at everything in the elevator but her. "It's not enough that you had me trapped in here, and forced me to strip naked, but you continue to mock me in every way possible as well as to put my psychological well-being even more askew than it already is?"

Now, she was grinning. Good Lord, what was she going to say now? "Ah! So you finally admit you're off your rocker?"

"Off my rocker?" What did that mean again? "If by rocker, you mean the furniture used by the elderly 'rock' themselves back and forth so as to gain sleep, then that is ridiculous. I never owned a rocker. Meemaw did but I never sat on it. Just on her knee though. Still, it was her rocker, not mine."

"I rest my case," Penny muttered, then patted on the sweater again. Her grin had turned back to her smile. Sheldon thought there was something oddly comfortable about it. "Just sleep here, Sheldon. You can use my lap as a pillow."

"That would still be insufficient," Sheldon harrumphed, though every cell in his body was screaming for him to do as Penny asked. "I've never seen enough body fat on your thighs as to provide what could pass for a cushiony feel. In fact, your legs are quite lean and firm, and would possibly result in my having a stiff neck if I happen to rest my head upon them for the next eight hours."

Penny pursed her lips, the way she did when she was pondering on something, especially something he had said. The word 'kiss' passed through his mind, and he shot his eyes up to the ceiling. "Well...weird as it may be, I actually found that flattering. So, I'll be nice to you tonight. Sleep on my lap, and I'll sing you 'Soft Kitty'."

That did it, although it took a few more awkward moments of kneeling and shifting before Sheldon finally found a tolerable enough position. When he did, he let out a breath and turned his head away, his hands, one on top of the other, settled on his diaphragm.

Penny snorted. "Still sleeping like Dracula?"

Sheldon felt his face twist in annoyance, but stopped himself from glaring up at Penny. "As reminiscent as this may be of Bram Stoker's fictional character, this reclining position happens to be efficient in preventing backaches and stiff necks, and will allow for proper blood circulation."

"Is that why your face is all red?"

Sheldon felt himself take in a deep, angry breath that echoed a growl in his throat. Why was it that he was constantly losing these verbal spars to Penny?

"Sheldon, honey, if you're worried about getting a stiff neck, turning your head away like that is certainly going to give you one."

Sheldon rolled his eyes. How could Penny not see how obvious the explanation was? Why did he have to break down everything so she could understand? And why, for all of Newton, does he ALWAYS waste precious time explaining to her? "As high as the risks may be for an immobilized neck, Penny, I cannot very well face forward. Unless you desire that I have my sights on the underside of your breasts all night." Wait...that didn't sound right, and he knew, down to the last atom of his person, that Penny was smirking.

"Well...I wouldn't mind if you do. It's not like it's the first time a guy's ever--Sheldon, wait!" Penny pulled him back after he had just sat up like a bullet. "Geez, can't you take a joke?"

"I don't see anything comedic about your sexual innuendo," Sheldon spat, and for the life of him, he couldn't understand why he wasn't even flicking her hand away from his arm. "In fact, I find it rather vulgar and offensive."

"You were the one who mentioned my breasts. I thought that was an invitation for 'sexual innuendo'."

"I did not mean it to be that way. I was merely stating a fact." This time, Sheldon did pull his arm away. Her hand felt as though it were burning his skin. Still, he stayed where he was, legs pulled up to his chin, his arms around his knees as he sulked.

"Fine." He heard Penny mutter, followed by the rustle of clothes. "Okay. You can look at me now."

He turned a little, and found Penny had covered her breasts with her Cheesecake Factory blouse.

She patted her lap. "Come on, Sheldon. It's just gonna stay up there until you fall asleep so you better lie down."

With a scowl, Sheldon settled back on Penny's lap. A few more shifting, and he was back to his efficient reclining position, this time, facing forward.

"Comfy?" she asked.

"As comfortable as one could be under the circumstances," he replied stiffly, and wiggled his shoulders a bit so he could rest them properly on Penny's lap. That's when he noticed something. "Penny, I seem to detect an increase of blood circulation on your cheeks. Is my using your thighs as a surrogate for a pillow making you uncomfortable?"

The change in Penny's expression to a look of shock was rapid, although Sheldon was still trying to process the meaning of her prior expression--the one she had worn when he wiggled his shoulders. "Since when did you care if other people are comfortable with something you do?"

"I suppose I had acquired that while in arctic. I had to adapt in order to survive. For some reason, I had a nagging feeling that Leonard, Raj and especially Howard were plotting to kill me in my sleep." Sheldon blinked as he remembered. "The bits and parts of a crossbow, and the 'How to Build a Crossbow for Dummies' book certainly added to my suspicions."

"Gee...you think?"

Sheldon frowned. "Sarcasm?"

Penny's lips widened into a tight smile. "Go to sleep, sweetie."

Sheldon blinked again. He'd heard those words many times before, and without thinking, said, "You'll make an excellent mother someday."

This time, it was Penny who blinked. "Whoa. Where'd that come from?"

"You certainly are able to play the part quite well." Sheldon shrugged, and thought he saw Penny's face redden again, but he had pulled himself too deep into his own drone to notice. "As I recall, you catered to my needs when I got sick, just like my mother, although you did refuse to give me a sponge bath. You are also surprisingly tolerant of my routines and are able to integrate yourself into it, like my mother. You also--"

"Sheldon, honey, that doesn't mean I want to be your mother though." Penny shook her head. "Ugh...this is so weird. It's almost like that time with Leonard..."

Sheldon frowned. "What about Leonard?"

"Nothing. Forget what I said."

Sheldon debated on whether or not to make further inquiry to her sudden reference to his roommate, but thought better of it.

"Penny, even if you wanted to be my mother, as you've just vocalized you don't, you can certainly not be her. You have completely different genetic structures for one, ergo you are neither a clone of each other, and I do not need another mother."

Penny began stroking his hair. Sheldon thought it strange, and even stranger still, that he didn't mind. "So, if I'm not a surrogate mother, then what am I to you, Moonpie?"

He hadn't protested to her reference to him as Moonpie either. Another strange thing. Penny's virus must have completely taken hold of his system, but he knew now it was no use fighting it. He'll take samples of his bodily fluids in the morning so he can find a cure. "You're my friend, Penny."

"Just a friend?"

"Of course. What else would you be?" He looked up at her face. She seemed...hurt? No, that couldn't be, he thought. He hadn't said anything negative towards her. At least not by his understanding. But the look on her face would not go away, so he added, "If it makes a difference, I actually hold you in a higher position than the other people in my social circle. Did I not choose you over Raj?"

"Yeah, but that's because he wrote the wrong answer to your favorite acid."

"That was amino acid, Penny. There's a huge difference. You weren't even able to answer that but I still kept you."

"Lucky me." This time, Sheldon didn't need to ask if Penny was being sarcastic. He knew she was. "So Sheldon...if it's not the amino acid answer, then why did you choose me over Raj?"

"As I mentioned, I hold you at a higher position. You actually belong to my top two set of friends whereas Howard and Raj are the bottom two. I merely picked the one who made the obvious error."

"What is this, American Idol?" Penny guffawed, then softened her smile. "Okay, Simon Cowell. I'll rephrase the question. Why am I in your top two?"

"Because..." Sheldon suddenly found his eyes roaming across the room. He hadn't anticipated that question at all, and for the life of him, he didn't have the answer. Penny was annoying, was often mean to him, teased him mercilessly, disobeyed his rules and broke his routine, was not within his level of intellect (then again, who was, so scratch that), didn't even graduate community college, was incompetent in housekeeping...he could come up with a million reasons as to why he should have kicked her out, but none to support why he held her at the same level as Leonard. Thank goodness, he didn't tell her that, or this would've been an even more difficult inquiry to satisfy.

"I'm waiting for an answer, Sheldon."

"Because of this," Sheldon blurted out, holding his arms up in the air. "I kept you because of this."

"This?" Penny's brows rose quizzically, and Sheldon was reminded of when his experiment on Missy's easy-bake oven had ended up with his twin sister spending the second grade with eye-liner-drawn eyebrows. "What do you mean this?"

"This," Sheldon said again. "Do you think Leonard, Howard and Raj would subject themselves to this type of...uhm..."

"Kindness?" Penny supplied.

"I was about to say humiliation, but I suppose that term is applicable." Sheldon put his hands on his stomach again, though this time, he was discreetly wringing his fingers, and he couldn't look at Penny's face without making his blood circulation go haywire. "You are able to integrate yourself into my patterns in a way they never could. I suppose it's due to your uncanny ability to adapt to different situations. That's something I myself am almost incapable of and I believe it's an admirable trait..."

"Wait a minute. Sheldon, did you just compliment me?"

Sheldon felt his brows met. "I see nothing complimentary in a statement of fact."

And there was that smile again. The one that made his heart do things that were simply a biological impossibility. He had already listed that as a symptom, and now he was mentally listing its frequency. As far as he's figured, the activity increased the longer he stayed awake.

He had to sleep.

"Penny, you were supposed to sing me 'Soft Kitty'."

"Oh. Right." Penny settled her back to the wall, and Sheldon closed his eyes, ready to let the song lull him to sleep.

Penny began singing, and Sheldon's eyes snapped open to stare at her face. He didn't stop staring until she had finished the song, and when she did, one word came out with his breath.

"Beautiful."

"What was that, honey?"

"I-I mean...significant improvement from last time." He looked away. There goes the heart palpitations again. And the disrupted blood circulation.

"I took voice lessons over the summer," Penny explained, clearly proud. "But I got my first lessons from you. Remember when you taught me 'Sea Shanty' and had me repeat it until my tone and pitch was 'satisfactory to your auditory senses'?"

"Yes. I do seem to recall that." Sheldon was quiet for a moment as he pondered on how Penny's memory had also improved. She seemed to recall a great deal of their previous endeavors.

After a deep breath, he managed to look up at her again. It wasn't by his own volition, and he wasn't even entirely certain, but the corners of his lips had curled upwards when he said, "Can you sing 'Soft Kitty' again?"

And she did. She sang it over and over, without needing for him to ask, and soon, he was drifting, Penny's voice still ringing in his ears when he lay between the throes of sleep and awake. He thought he heard her speak, her words echoing like a different song altogether, but melodious just the same.

"You're quite cute when you sleep. Like a harmless puppy. When I first saw you, I always thought you were the cute one. Crazy, huh?

"But you know what's even crazier, Dr. Whack-a-doodle? You're the one I missed the most when you went away..."

Then he felt the now familiar feel of her soft lips on his, but by then, he had already broken past the barriers of consciousness, and the kiss or mouth-to-mouth, or whatever it was, fused with a dream he would later forget once he woke up.

If he did remember, he'll know it wasn't the first time he's had that dream.

***

"Well...I'm out of plausible explanations," Howard muttered, turning to Leonard and Rajesh, who wore equally shocked expressions. It had been past two in the morning when Howard's mother bailed them out of jail (something the three of them had chosen not to discuss until the appropriate time), and the hour after that had been spent in getting the elevator fixed so they could free Sheldon and Penny.

What they saw when they opened it, however, only added to what was already a crazy Tuesday. Or Wednesday rather. Even Howard's usual sleaziness (especially with Penny's clear state of undress) was numbed by shock.

"Nothing happened between them, okay?" Leonard insisted, his voice rising in an obvious bid to convince either himself, or the others. Or both. "I mean, that's Sheldon Cooper for crying out loud. Mitosis Sheldon? Larval Sheldon?"

"But isn't that the same Sheldon who's a semi-pro at whacking the joystick?" Raj quipped.

"It looks like he whacked more than just his joystick this time," Howard responded, his eyes moving back to the two people inside the elevator. "Maybe that's why Penny calls him...what was that? Whack-a-noodle?"

"Whack-a-doodle," Raj corrected. "Sheldon's not a noodle though. You remember the time you turned on the sink faucet and he ran screaming out of the shower butt-naked?"

"Oh, yeah." Howard shuffled his feet. "Darn if I wasn't humbled..."

Raj nodded sympathetically. "We all were..."

"Let's be serious, you guys," Leonard whined. He didn't like were the conversation was going. "Nothing happened, okay? Sure, they're half-naked on the floor after being locked up together for almost eight hours, and they're all...sweaty and tired and sleeping...but I'm sure there's a logical explanation to all this."

"Okay." Howard shrugged. "Shoot."

"Well...like Penny said, the elevator jammed. And with this heat wave, they had to cool themselves down and remove their clothes. That also explains the empty water bottles there." Leonard pointed to the grocery bag. "As to why Sheldon has his head on Penny's lap...uhm, Sheldon cannot sleep without lumbar support and somehow convinced Penny he should use her lap as a pillow. She might have protested but Sheldon always gets his way."

Howard nodded. "That actually sounds acceptable."

"Isn't it?" Leonard began to smile. Relief was a sweet thing.

"Yeah, very good explanation. But dude," Raj pointed at Sheldon, "Can you explain why Sheldon has Penny's lipstick all over his mouth?"

THE END

A/N:  
Whew! My first complete multi-chapter fic! I know, I know, some of you are probably asking, "Where's the smut?!" Depends on whether I'll finish *The Elevator Conundrum 1.5*, or rather "The Elevator Conundrum Alteration". Yes, I'm trying to work on that but there's really no guarantee I'll be inspired enough to finish it. I mean, I've written steamy scenes before, but I'm still trying to get the vibe on how I could make it believable for the Sheldon/Penny tandem. And yeah, I did say this is something I'd want as an episode in TBBT. We can't have too much Sheldon/Penny smut. At least not until the end hahaha! Anyway, I really hoped you enjoyed this fic. I've definitely enjoyed your reviews. Oh, and kindly check my fanart! I actually did the fanart even before I finished the last chapter. Thanks guys and Peace out! Sheldon/Penny for the win! (I think you might see a trend here. In my last fanfic, The Virtual Coitus Surrogation, Raj also had the last line haha. That's entirely coincidental though...or rather it's due to the law of large numbers...*whatever sheldon* ) 


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